Mandela the F*cken Ledgend

Funny
how all the press corps around the world are calling for Mandela to 'speak out' over the crisis in Zimbabwe. Its like we want to be vindicated by the wise old man's statements. We want to feel good and righteous, we want to feel that we are on the correct side of the argument.
I'm sitting here reading the Evening standard - a shitty daily, that consistently berates the labor government at every opportunity, whilst sucking Boris Johnsons willy so hard it makes young kids cry. The editorial is calling for Mandela to speak out again, (he has already!)against the Mugabe regime..... at his 90th Birthday celebration tomorrow at Hyde Park.

It makes me laugh, the same spreads were condemning the man for his views on the Iraq war just before the invasion. Mandela said Bush was drunk on power, and literally called them both up to speak some sense into the situation. Yes, look it up it happened, 'cept Bush wouldn't take his call cause his is a spoilt brat Texas millionaire. A yes man who like to surrond himself with people who agree with him..
These same news papers were calling Mandela senile, old, past it ect. You make me sick. So lets get this rite, just because Mandela happens to agree with you on this Mugabe thing you now want him, a 90 year old fucken hero, a man who has spent his adult life advocating reconciliation and enduring a life of torment, to denounce Mugabe at his birthday party.

Why?
What exactly would it achieve. Would it rally up the Military in Zim, and cause them to rise up against Mugabe, or will it give them further reason to think of a great western conspiracy? I don't know, but I'll tell you this, as with all complicated situations there is no silver bullet, there is no 'shock and awe' that will remedy the situation.

Mandela is 90.
let him be, let him have some time off, let him enjoy the few years he has left.
stop being a doos

can you spare a dime?

this is something that drives me mad, its a new thing.
Adverts informing us we can now look better through the miracle of surgery
fuck you and your fake tits
fuck you
fuck you fuck you
that said, she does have pretty sweet tits now
perhaps it will give here the confidence to go to the beach this summer
I really hope so. staying home on perfect beach days because of small boobs, imperfect skin is just so sad when surgical options are available, and, if to be believed, affordable.
and as for you you chiseled hunk, with perfect nose and bright glowing skin I hope that now break into the male escorting game you deserve it.

True Happiness is just a purchase away

a dogs life

yesterday on the way home i witnessed a young man kicking the living shit out of his dog.
The dog, chained to a post, was receiving a royal kick in the head from its owner. I had my earphones on, and at first stopped my bicycle because i thought a woman was in distress. Alas it was just a gangster wanna be thug giving his dog (read : Fashion Accessory) a brutal beating. And although at least 10 other people witnessed this, one woman came running down the road to see what noise was going on, stopped dead in her tracks on noticing who (gangster thug) was doing what. This is a shame. I myself was just about to ride off into the sunset forgetting what i had just seen, however after a brief rest the owner again started kicking his dog causing it to howl out in painful gulps. At this stage i approached the man, i didn't know what i was gonna do, i certainly didn't what to get 'too' involved, because like most of the people in London i wasn't about to put my life in danger, its easier to just walk away from those confrontations. Turn a blind eye and carry on with your journey. About 5 meters from the young man I stopped, and he stopped kicking his dog, he looked up daring me to get involved. I shook my head, and said ' your a coward '. He said nothing. I repeated myself, ' your a fucken coward '. At this stage a young kid decided to weigh in, he came up to me and asked me ' whats wrong with you man, what the fuck are you doing here?' And so i cycled away, afraid and shaking. So my spirit is further eroded by London culture. Forget about the beautiful street art on the side of the Tate, and the numerous galleries, fashionable drinking houses laced throughout this city, culturally we are in a state of fucks, bereft of any courage to change the world around us. British urban culture is best viewed on the average street. Shops, malls, take aways, off licences and tescos, we are the people that inhabit these streets. Outside the local chicken joint its not uncommon to see dudes spitting out their chicken bones, just spitting them out onto the pavement, throwing the trash down when the bin is five meters away. Street culture is rough, rowdy and unmannered, it is often violent and bereft of any real consequence. I desperately don't what this to be another whine about youths, what i want is for us to take a look around and see were we live, question how we have created such moral black hole. We have all had a part in it, yes the parents of these kids can be blamed, the kids themselves, however we choose to live like this, we rejoice in the convenience of life in the 21st century but battle to teach values. Shopping or more precisely consuming becomes our cause. Never are we discouraged from buying sh*t we don't need, nor are we enticed to make time for our fellow human beings -even some of our religious institutes preach violence and self righteousness.What exactly are the benefits for a low income family to learn manners, and how exactly do we teach morally good behaviour in the current 'consume all you can be fore you die' culture we live in. Is this a direct result of capitalism, or are we just an evil self-serving species in general.

I'm the same as you. I just wanna get home and put my feet up, i just wanna forget about were i live. I just wanna relax. I just wanna shop at TK Maxx and find a good deal, a further mark down, a sale.
Hope is......... a mansion by the sea.

my holiday

First a little rant. The instant we touched down the south african negativity ran amok. At the passport check a huge q ensued. All around me i heard complaints. It didnt take long for
the words 'chaos' and ' 2010' to be mentioned. It was like being trapped in a 'R' Rated bad movie were the hero says whats expected and pomps the pretty girl in the end, except i couldn't grin through it in the knowledge that soon i'lld get to see some boobies. It was excruciating. It took about 20 minutes to clear the q, and in that time between people with in my earshot i heard suggestions on how they could open more counters, move the escalator to alleviate the pile up ( yes move... magically move it), work 'quicker' was used a lot - my personal favorite, The Custom officials responsible for letting people enter our country. Get real. Its total fucken unacceptable to to winged a whine like a little school kid. I'll like to point out the following things to the unhappy south african spoilt brat travelers returning to Jo'burg international.
1) If you took a minute out of your self-centered pitiful existence to look around the airport you would have noticed that its being extensively renovated.
2) I have traveling in Africa, we are literally light-years ahead. Stop being a doos
3) It took us 30 minutes in the passport q on the England when we returned, but hey no one was complaining because there is this sense that we are 'lucky' to be allowed in.
4) If you believe you can run the passport q better then apply for a job there. Stop bringing everyone down with your superior attitude, you are no better than a street cleaner. In fact I bet you finger your own arse



Ok, now for the indented post
I thought it would be good to list a couple of things here that make south africa so great

I'll start with the simple one

S P A C E. Theres plenty of it. We live in actual houses, were a garden means business. We have a giant pool, mini garden cricket pitch, garage, drive way caravan, back yard with laundry and a vegetable garden. All of this,and we stay in Birch Acres. The shitty part. The roads are wider, the trees are bigger and more plentiful.The greenery great.


Windhoek Larger. I'll try not put any more of the things that money can buy in this list. Mansions and Maids are great but you can get them in most countries, and thanks to the availability of commercial flights so is Windhoek larger. So if you wanna get technical its not a south african thing, also its from Windhoek , so it has no frame of reference here dude....but because of its availability in virtually all bars and restaurants and because its my favorite - i'm putting it here. This is my commercial sell out, this is my ''Vodacom'' Bulls or ''Auto and General'' Lions as they are both officially know as on the super 14 table. Selling out sucks, but drinking 4% Reinheitsgebot brewed beer rules. Relax with a group of trusted friend and enjoy this premiere brewed beer. If theres a better sentence on a beer please email me.



Diversity.
Check this picture out Sanna took of me and her boet. This is africa it says, take it or leave it, we are not new we are just different. Unique. My dad says we were a hair breath away from civil war, i was too young to take note, i remember the carte blanche report on canned food shortages at the checkers warehouse and Pick'nPays , but was too young to worry. Only later was I able to value what we did, how close were were to a disaster situation. Yea I know the doomsayers will point out that it could still happen... 'look at zim' they'd say, 'breadbasket of africa' they'll cry. I know. We are not perfect, I doubt we'll ever be a first world country a western, economically sound, STABLE powerhouse. but we are who we are. We are a culmination of so many things, Handbags made of bottle tops, the coat hanger guys at the robots, the new bmws and old Nissan bakkies, large velds next to townhouse complexes, we are steering this ship on a new course, not the perfect or best course, certainly not, but we are steering this ship afloat. This ship has been through so much....

Old things that still work.
Take a look at this traffic light pedestrian go button. Its from the mutherfuken 1960's. And guess what it still works, there's no need to replace it cause it still works, there's no need to upgrade it cause its still works, basically what i'm getting at here is.... ah forget it. I love this rusting functioning piece of equipment.


Fruit and vegetables that not 'perfect'
Seriously, read this article. Why are our expectations so high, and more importantly does it make us any happier to have a straight, perfect carrot if we're not using it at a sex toy? NO. So that tomatoes is not
a ripe juicy red replica of an old plastic fruit display that my gran used to have. So what ...its still good in my books. Round about now i recon I'm trying to push this whole south African experience on you, I'm trying to convince you how great it is by pointing out the imperfections, but hear this, the imperfections are what makes us special. Also fruit is meant to be crooked and a bit scuffed, its abnormal and arguably unnatural to eat a perfectly round apple.


The average 'dudes'
London se poes. They harp on and on about diversity but when last did you actually meet someone who wasnt
a) a vagrant
b) on ecstasy at a club
c) a random saffa at walkabout.
The average person in south africa is cooler, and they smile more. They are approachable and they are genuine. Yea I know I;m generalizing, but I'm on a roll.

Best of 2007 (Its never too late for a best of list.)

These are some memorable things from year '07



My moostache was magnificent. But christmas was forgetttable. Every year it gets worse, commercial interests, bling, money, adverts and big business. If we human were realy that smart we'll postpone the gift giving frenzy and buy all our frankincenses and Sweet Myrrh to coincide with the january sales. This is how much xmas bummed me out, cause i originally put up that photo to brag about my glorious mo, my perfect mo, my mo that brought stares and mayonnaise, laughter and Guinness moustaches, Props on the soccer pitch and at bank station. It had to go though cause every time i talked i could feel the hair tickeling my bottom lip...didnt quite feel correct.




El-P's I'll sleep when your dead.
Virtually the only rap album that did it for me. I also happened to see this dude put on a great live show. No glitter or gold. No props to bitches, clothes , haters or hoes. none at all.


The VIP cabin holiday can not be discribed in words. I am not that good of a writer.
The offical website makes outrageous promises of majical forrest untouched for thoustands of years. Untouched except for a jacuzzi! a flatscreen tv, balcony, log fire, and so much more.....it was so good the photos have been up since may.



I was trying to find that picture of ' look bryan a banner' of the world champs on tour in Cape town. Very Clever, but this one will have to do. Some arrogant Saffa doos on rugbydump said ' oh well, we're the only country to have won it twice '
Thats not true because the aussies have done it too. He's argument was that the first two world cups dont count cause we weren't in them. mmm i thought, lets see how the english enjoy this joke at work.They didnt seem to enjoy the posters i printed up for the notice board. Needless to say they dont enjoy that one, and because of their reaction i've become that arrogant doos. Played 4 won 2. World (in its entirety) Champs. Cant argue with that. South Africa We love you


unbelievable.




Theese are raymonds feet. After a long day riding the Mountain bike trail in wales called 'Whites Level ' there's nothing better than putting your feet up to a warm fake fire heater thingy. Grill some pizza's, maybe even have a brewski.I can not imagin thee are better trails out there, i know there are and am looking forward to riding them. Wales, you rugby fanatics, you friendly lot, watch out you'll be seeing me again

Zuma '' I am very sexually active thanks for all your concern''

New details of the internal ANC power struggle emerged yesterday with leaked recordings of apparent sex line conversations of our future president. '' Please call me JZ, no formalities''
''Can I call you back after the budget debate''
''I never leave a woman unsatisfied, here are my credit card details''
These are just some of the steamy revelations that came to light last night after anonymous mp3 were emailed to several news agencies.
Editor of The Mail and Guardian, Robert Mbwendi, has confirmed receipt of over two hours of Zuma recordings. ''We are currently establishing the authenticity of these tapes and should they prove to be the
raunchy recordings of ANC president Jacob Zuma, we will be releasing them in a special Friday edition of our paper titled '' JZ gets straight down to some Bizzlle''
At Zuma camp it is all damage control at the moment. ''This is clearly an attack by the media, there is no conclusive evidence of foul play'' said ANC Media Headquaters
ANCYL president Fikile Mbalula had this to say '' Zuma is a man with a lot of gusto, it is not uncommon for a Zulu man to use the services of a call girl, the availability of young family friends is not always guaranteed, occasionally one must be prepared to crack one off telephonically''
The call girl, who can not be named for legal reasons has been contacted separately and asked for her comments. 'I am proud to serve my future president' said Maid Mandy (not real name)
'Truth be told I am a little surprised by the media attention,I service a variety high class diplomatic types... your be surprised what they are into, by my standards the man I have been told was JZ is mild in phone fantasy sexual desires, as far as phone sex fantasy desires go' Asked to elaborate she added '' Lets just say it in not uncommon to be asked to bark like a dog, one regular client gets off on me farting on the receiver.... ''

Mbeki, who most thought had been plotting this new aggressive exit strategy for Zuma has, just last week, himself been recorded calling up a National Police commissioner Jacki Selebi, calming fear of his possible arrest and assuring him that his gravy train ride has not ended. At one point Mbeki sais '' The Crime statistics are the latest attempt to undermine the work the ANC have done in the past 14 years, just like there is no link between HIV and AIDS there is no know link between Violent Crime and Guns. Crime is a rich mans problem....'' Selebi can be heard chuckling in the background.

National Prosecuting Authority (NPA) spokesman Tembi Tshete has confirmed a full investigation into the recordings. '' Phone tapping of cabinet ministers is not only illegal, it is also severely damaging. We have requested brand new N95 for all ANC MP's, and hope that Vodacom will comply''

Mo'vember. vote now

What is a mustache?

is it simply a fold of hair above the top lip, below the nose ?
or is it more than that.
The definitive question of October has got to be... do I bring back the mo for 30 days? and if so what reason. There are several charity sites out there doing a movember get your friends to donate for starving kids in Africa/woman in abusive relationships/save the polar bear efforts.... for me that just seems... well ....played out, and frankly its not true mo. I'm not too sure were I'm going with this but I feel like having a mustache is not just a simple gag, soon to be forgotten. Its a lifestyle choice. People stare (even in Shorditch ,were I have personally seen guys in full drag and pink lipstick shopping for groceries at the Tesco, they stare)Also work colleagues who are initially amused, start to make excuses to any visiting party. ' yes that's the guy I was talking about, it a charity thing, he is usually not like this ' One last snitch, Whopper Mayo in the mo. I don't know why or how, but I swear to you the design of Burger Kings Whopper and my mo just don't go, It always ends in disaster mayo management. Nothing I cant handle though. Sanna my beautiful and patient wife is pretty acceptance of the whole deal, I have always found that laughter is the most powerful aphrodisiac know to man. Laughter or Benoline cough syrup mixture - the one with codeine. Both work well.
Ok back to the mo.
This is were I require your feedback, motivation if you will.
I will grow a mean mo'vember special but only if I receive the relevant encouragement and if possible, and maybe I'm going out on a limb here, a partner in mo.
Is there anyone out there willing to join me in this crazy adventure called mo'vember? At the end of it we can even take photo's, perhaps get a personalized coffee mug or calendar to celebrate. Perhaps we run away and live the rest of our lives in the radical mustache community in east Germany. Living, truly living.
what you think?

Dance with me

Those that know me, know i can dance.
those that dont, should.
Described by commentators as 'legitimate futuristic, with definite tribal influence.... hard to replicate and always entertaining, gareth is defiantly going places'.
Enough about me. Right now all over the world, even if its monday morning, millions of people are dancing.
My pal, and kempton park schooled compatriot, Gary Charles made an August mix that is all dance floor. I bobbed my head and tapped my toes a considerable amount during its second playing, then sanna came in with a 3 minute abstract tribute jive thing.
The mix is excellent as far as i can tell - no lazy mixing ,no mistakes (dj fiends please confirm) The tempo gets a bit to complicated and fast at times, i imagine this is an intended dancefloor mix recommended to fans of anything electro house boogie woogie.
An enjoyable 1hour and twenty minute listen.
Endorsed by me, available for a limited period only. get it here.

kill me now

More than ten thousand revelers flocked to the opening of Suicide Girls inc, a department store, that offers more than just hip new clothes. Described by commentators as the worlds newest quasi-religion cult, Suicide Girls,are now turning to Allah for that special marketing edge, that sets them apart from other trendy Brookland avenue hang-outs.
'It was an obvious step, our followers are literally dead serious about killing themselves says Linda Bluez.... 'we were approached by the holy nation of Islam in regards to doing business together, and after three separate projects, two in Iraq, another in Israel, we believe we are ready to go live in the US. I mean you cant survive financially with doing business in America. That's math-simple ''
Along with a mini fashion boutique, SG inc, offer the chance to selfexpode in a variety of different locations world wide. Whist Jeans and T-shirt sales have always traditionally kept the tills ticking over for commercially successful Department stores, these once virtual 'Girls' are (e)rousing up quiet a following. In its first day of business three death mission were sold, 6 maim and destroy, and countless black flower patterned stockings.
'Some people come for the clothes, others for something deeper. We offer a range in both. Not ready to top yourself just yet? Take home some reading material... Looking for a cheap t-shirt? check out the sale rail'

in a dramatic turn around channel 4 reverses decision to boot Emily from show, cites Snoopy Doggy Dog's latest album.

Rap Mongol and actor, Snoop Doggy Dog has been drawn into the Big Brother House Row. Arriving at London Heathrow airport yesterday, Mr. Doggy Dog who is scheduled to start his European promotional tour for his new much anticipated album ' eyes got money, bitches, hoes galore' on the 16 June.

Mr. Doggy Dog who is no stranger to controversy was asked for his take on the word ' Nigger' by BBC correspondent Paul Hooperburg.
''dont mean shizzle my newmans manizzle''
''Fo rizzel... if white bitches wanna ride this black niggers showdizzel, then what's the problizzle''
and gratuitously winked at a random female reporter who happened to be sitting front row.
Asked if he had a problem with the term or felt it was offensive to be referred to as a nigger, Snoop turned on the charm, PIMP style.
''Yo for real, we have been calling each other niggers since I can remember, my last album references the term 132 times, and its an 9 track EP''
''Obviously the context must be taken into account, but as far as derogatory terms go, I have more of a problem with someone referring to me as a womanizing bling-rapper with bubblegum rhymes. That shit hurts''
in reference to nothing in particular Snoop later added '' We need to break down these boundaries not build better fences''

Moved by the words of Mr. Doggy Dog, President of Channel 4 Corp and avid Hip-hop head, Luke Johnson, scheduled an emergency press conference during which it was decided that if Emily Parr could successfully name the African American civil rites leader who was gunned down 4th April 1968 she would be allowed to re-enter the BB house. Emily was also expected to explain the significance of this leaders stance on nonviolent civil disobedience, its success in British India and the rise of gays in the military in a essay of no more than 5000 words. The Essay has been marked and Emily Parr will be back in the house by midnight this evening. Landbrokes now have her tied with three-way lesbian couple Chanelle, Shabnam and Charley as hot favorites to win.

In semi related news, an unknown number of people died in Iraq today. The American Military released pictures of what it believes are hot-headed clothhead fanatic religious freaks out to destroy their way of life. The picture reportedly show parents dressing their kids up for school in suicide vests. Amnesty international has refuted these claims, spokesperson Cha-Nguwela Mbezi, has this to say ''There is a clear difference between wanting to die for just cause and dying for a just cause. These kids are clearly just trying to fit in'' The pictures are shown here.

before i go on holiday

Another cop flick. another bad cop, risen from the dead, wrapped in bandages, to avenge the death of ....himself?
watch it and make up your own mind.

toothache

ever since my arrival in this god forsaken country i've had endless trouble with my teeth.
Today i called my dentist, only to find she had pulled an evac.
'she no longer works here'
'shes gone?'
'yes, she left'
'do you know were shes gone to?'
'no i wasnt here when she left'
.......
'oh, then ok... thanks very much'
Clank#
Should have known, last time i was there she literally, with long metal scape thing in one hand, pulled two fighting assistance nurses apart. I lay there drooling, not because they were hot, but because i had just received an injection. That how they roll in SE London.

I wiki'ed tooth infection, hoping to stumble apon a miraculous cure for toothache, but instead was filled with gloom. It seems from the info available i'm on my way too root canal number three. thats three in three years. And as just mentioned, i need to find a decent dentist. Dr Rita, if you can hear me... please contact me urgently.
I'll be leaving for my 7 night VIP cabin holiday on saturday and at a minimum need antibiotics.

Garden Cricket

Man i miss playing cricket in my garden back home. 9 Sperwer Crescent was the definitive garden cricket location. You didn't even have to run. Played with a SlazBall, and the one hand one bounce rule in place, it was just a matter time until you were out and thus quick rotations on the batting. Troydon (of DJ Troydon fame) introduced the 'one fast ball per over rule' which in its own special way revolutionized the game and caused the broken window ratio to sky rocket.
Feeling hot, go for a dip in the pool.... feeling hungry the braai will be ready shortly.
Been batting for more than 10 overs? Tommy Searle Snr comes out of retirement to bowl his classic mixture of slow right arm medium spin.

ah... Memories

Buy a man bag.

read the testimonials and the FAQ
this summers hottest must have life changing consumable is the MAN BAG.


i only do this sort of thing with man bag men!

another advert

i'm so happy i could hang myself


amusement rides gone wild. were will it end?

sex happens

found this on google, i hope you like

For the girls and twisted guys

hello!
i found a website that sells mens underwear.
Meat rick, chad, jhonny, victor and alberto. Click here... now!

love you

''Grandad just died... oh well we can stil have fun''

I can just imagine the art director on this photo shoot... Ok guys i know we are at a funeral, but can we at least try to have some FUN! i mean come on, at least you have a funeral plan.

Psycho Cop

You have the rite to remain DEAD.



this is the sort of movie that i love.
I've seen alot of 'bad / evil cop' movies, this one is the best

bus drivers get no love

I hate the London transport system just as much as the next guy

its rubbish

also its expensive

it always has some sort of a delay

the underground staff are a pretty unhappy and unhelpful lot (I'm generalizing here)

some stations smell like urine, others are used as urinals

the rush busy hours are a joke, we are using all available space you friggen moron

in summer people die its so hot.Muslim fanatics self exploded and kill ,though not from the heat.
i'm digressing, everyone knows its kak, even with out the crazies, the bums, the spoilt brat gangsta wanna be thugged out kids. The perverts, the cross dressers.

Its defiantly the most miserable part of the day... the commute to and fro.

Spare a thought for the bus driver. The dude( or chick) is a modern day hero.

daily the bus miraculously negotiates busy intersections / roadworks / traffic circles and some reckless shopping girl - bags in both hands - crossing the street.

at times we past trucks with only 3cm of play

hectic

but no mistakes. no scratches, and no dead cyclists

and consider this... the abuse these drivers take, i've seen grannys pull zap signs and kids pull knives

from fake tickets to verbal 'yo mamma' abuse but through it all these dudes, these heroes, they ride on.

So its is with great respect and humility that today i give praise to the humble bus driver.

Mr or Mrs bus driver i owe you one, pop round to my place for a beer and a game of table tennis anytime (bring id)

We braai a whole lot.

No one can dispute the fact that fire heals the spirit. The glow, the bursting flames, the sudden change is both frightening and soothing, and so we stare.... and then we cook some meat.
Usually a sausage fest of note. Loads of sausage, girls. loads. We also cook Marinated chicken, and you'll usually find feta in our salads. sometimes meat gets burnt.Gets serious sometimes and tempers do flare, friendships un hemmed. Its a battle of wit and ingenuity, braun vs hairy back, were wanna be dj's argue merits of folk music. braai philosophy is debated vigorous. belief systems layed upon the table. some problems solved .............some escalated. some fish tales.

''There was once a man, a true man, a private detective with a moustache. With a braaimanship so skilled and honed, a spirit so true, that he quit his PI job for an Call Centre Operator role in a small financial company. On the weekends he braaied. Turned veggies (tarians) into meat eaters, thats how strong his wrists were. Legion has it - He learned his trade in the Congo from a retired fire-fighter, thats what i heard. There are lots of stories, thats the one i choose to believe. Some say he is dancing his way across eastern Europe, strung out on crystal methadone.''

''What a wasted talent''

''but he could dance..................................... couldn't do both though''

nod's all round.
A calm fills us, and we breath deep. sigh blink sip beer.we are all fire staring
'' 15 minutes and i reccon this baby's ready''

''Naah, at least 20, ..... ..... at least!''
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